7 Ways to Become Your Organization's Worst Employee Ever
Take These 7 Actions to Head Up the List of Bad Employees
Want to be the worst employee at your company? If you're a rebel at heart, you'll want everyone to hate you and you'll want to receive the worst of the worst when it comes to assignments. In order to accomplish that, you'll need to build a reputation as the bad employee.
It's not easy, and some people are just naturally inclined toward goodness, but with a bit of hard work, you, too, can become the worst employee at your company.
There are seven ways to make yourself the worst employee. Here's how.
Make Yourself Hard to Find
This works wonders whether you're a cashier at the grocery store or the VP of Finance. Never be where your coworkers and bosses expect to find you. Take extra long bathroom breaks (don't forget to bring your SmartPhone), never sit at your desk, or your assigned post. And, if the boss announces she needs someone for a particularly unpleasant task (clean up on aisle 7), make sure you didn't hear her even if she was standing two feet away and speaking through a megaphone.
Complain About Everything
Your assignments are harder, your pay is lower, and your parking place is the worst in the entire company. Never mind if there are people who have to park further away, yours is the absolute worst because it's either under a tree (hello, bird droppings and sap) or not under a tree (do you know how hot that car gets during the day?).
Nothing Is Ever Your Fault.
When you make a mistake, it's because someone else didn't tell you how to do it properly. If you're late for work, it wasn't because you woke up late, it was because of bad traffic and stupid other drivers who don't know how to merge properly. If you deleted a file, it's because IT didn't configure the system properly to prevent such errors.
The fact that your desk is a complete disaster? Of course, that's because people keep leaving stuff on your desk when you've disappeared. And your customers that are constantly complaining about you? Well, it's not your fault that you get the worst customers ever. Everyone else gets nicer people.
Everything Is Illegal Discrimination
Illegal discrimination absolutely happens, but if you want a reputation as the worst employee, everything has to be about race/gender/sexual orientation/national origin or the fact that you're pregnant. For example, your boss chews you out for taking a two-hour lunch. Clearly, she hates other women because they are trying to take over her job.
Or, (if you're male) clearly she's threatened by strong men. Take your pick. If you don't finish your presentation on time? Obviously, your boss didn't give you the support you needed because you're Canadian. See how this works? Just keep using discrimination as a reason and threaten to go to HR every time anyone says anything negative about you. Just keep chanting, "It's not my fault, it's because the rest of the department is prejudiced against me.“
Drama, Drama, Drama
Repeat every negative thing you ever hear, and when you don't know the true story about something, make it up. Tell everyone everything about your crazy ex, your overbearing mother, and your drug-addict cousin. And I mean everything. It's especially helpful if you have loud conversations on the phone at work. Drives everyone else absolutely nuts.
People have a lot of compassion for others when there are health concerns, but bad employees take this to a whole new level. Don't just say, "I need time off for a doctor's appointment,“ describe your problem in great, disgusting detail. When people start to cringe, just share some more. Make sure you also tell customers (if applicable) about your health concerns.
Never Meet a Deadline
If none of the above drives your manager over the edge, start missing your deadlines.
Is that project due Tuesday? Don't even start it until Monday afternoon. Miss the start of your shift - especially if the person on the previous shift can't go home until you get there.
Don't turn in your timecard on time. Sure, the law requires the company to pay you on time, but they'll hate you when they have to hunt you down every week to get your time card. If there's a training everyone has to go to (like sexual harassment, or a technical training), don't go until you've been called and threatened at least three times.
Of course, if you don't want to become known as the world's worst employee, consider stopping the above behaviors. Work hard, come to work and meetings on time, meet your deadlines, keep gossip to yourself, and assume that if you're in trouble, it's because of what you've done, not because of hatred, unhelpful coworkers, or discrimination. You will avoid employment termination and you will lead a lot better, happier life.