How to Get Fired

Or what you can do to avoid losing your job

Drunk Woman
••• Peter Dazeley / Photographer's Choice / Getty Images

Do you hate your job? Do you want to know how to get fired? You should really reconsider doing something so extreme. There is a much better way to end your relationship with an employer: quit! It will be much easier to explain to a future employer why you quit instead of why you were fired. If you think quitting will allow you to collect unemployment benefits, that may not be the case. Many states may disqualify or delay a fired employee from collecting benefits if his or her dismissal was due to misconduct.

If you still want to know how to get fired, here are some things you can do to make sure that happens. You will be much better off, however, using the following tips to figure out what things you should avoid doing if you want to keep your job.

  • Arrive late for work
    Being on time is for wimps. Drag yourself out of bed whenever you feel like it. Stop to run an errand on your way to the office.
  • Don't forget the coffee
    No not for your boss—for yourself! You're already late so why not stop for a cup of coffee on the way to work? Don't forget to get a muffin or a roll too (crumbs on your tie look really good).
  • Eat at your desk
    I mean your coffee and roll, not your lunch silly. Why would you want to work through lunch anyway? And take your time—you're in no hurry to start working.
  • Take a long lunch
    An hour for lunch? Are they nuts? That can't possibly be enough time to get together with an old friend and run a few more errands.
  • Have a drink
    What's lunch without a couple of beers? It'll relax you. So what if you smell like a brewery and are unable to focus on work when you return for the afternoon? 
  • Make personal phone calls
    If you can't make your phone calls from the office, when else will you find the time? Don't make those calls short and sweet—chat away.
  • Speaking of catching up with friends...
    Let's not forget about the good old Net. Facebook and Twitter are waiting for you. I'm sure you want to know what your friend from high school had for lunch today.
  • Send lots of emails
    Use those eight hours at work to take care of all that personal email. Oh and don't forget to use your work email address.
  • Download, download, download...
    Your connection is much faster at work than on your home pc. And besides, there are some things you wouldn't want your significant other to see.
  • Make the customers/clients really mad
    There are several ways to do this. If you deal with customers in person, ignore them while you talk to your coworkers. Don't have answers to their questions. If most of your contact is by phone, keep yours busy so clients can't get through. If they bother to leave a message, don't return their phone calls.
  • Don't ever go beyond your job description
    Even when a project is down to the wire and your help is desperately needed, just remember: "It's not your job."
  • Leave work early
    Who made that five o'clock rule anyway? If you leave 15 minutes early think of how much you can get done before dinner.
  • Party hardy
    Nights are made for partying. Don't worry—you can sleep late tomorrow. After all, you do plan to get to work late, don't you?