Military Jokes and Humor
Army Ranger School Diet
Learn from the people who know weight loss and physical fitness best. Learn how to push your body beyond the limits of hunger. Learn how to dream about food every waking moment. Achieve the absolute lowest levels of body fat imaginable, then gain it all back and more in the first two weeks post-ranger school.
Unless you have served within certain branches and career fields within the military you have probably never heard of one of the Army's more low-key operations. It certainly isn't classified, but with a few exceptions (the recent flack over the Army's decision to issue the black beret to all of its troops) you don't hear much about it.
The unit I am speaking of is none other than the 75th Ranger Regiment otherwise known as the U.S. Army Rangers.
In order to closely simulate extended and rigorous combat conditions, the Rangers have come up with the U.S. Army Ranger School. Here men are put through a variety of Ranger missions, such as "reconnaissance, raids, ambushes, and general disruption of enemy operations" in a variety of different environments - urban, mountainous, desert, and jungle to hone their leadership and combat skills.
Much like the space program has yielded many "spin off" technologies and benefits, there is one distinct and common effect of this training on all who spend any appreciable amount of time there. No one leaves Ranger School fat. I don't believe it has ever happened, nor ever will. So, for the first time ever we here at VDC are going to bring to you this secretive government formula which is guaranteed to leave you looking like Twiggy or Barney Fife in just a short 58 days.
U.S. Army Ranger School Diet—58 Days to a Leaner, Meaner You!
Some of the U.S. Army Ranger School Diet features:
- NO strange and esoteric meals to prepare
- Most meals come in a convenient pre-packaged form (MRE's) with the exception of the "Mountain Phase Blueberry Pancake Free Days"
- NO diet supplements needed (or allowed)
- NO calorie counting
- NO complicated 40/30/30 nutrient guidelines
- NO low carb meals. Eat whatever you want (or more accurately, whatever we give you and you will like it)
Along with this package you get a full set of instructions on how to:
- Eat only one meal per day (no matter how hungry you get)
- Smell a pack of MRE crackers that is opened from over 50 meters away Or that isn't really there
- Put your body through extreme physical trial for an average of 12 hours per day
- When not actually moving long distances while carrying a heavy load stay awake and fully aware of your surroundings for another 10 hours per day
- Stay awake for an average 20 hours per day
- Dream about the foods you can not have during almost every waking moment
- Sleep while walking with a heavy rucksack on your back and a full combat load of equipment
- Condition yourself to respond to most questions with the phrase "I wasn't sleeping"
- Prepare 101 favorite MRE recipes
- Follow a recent IOBC grad cherry lieutenant in endless circles for an extra two or three hours at night because he refuses to listen to the fact that he is L-O-S-T (and also because moving on the correct course would have allowed you to meet your objective time and get too much sleep anyway)
Remember this program is guaranteed to make you skinny!
No one has ever left Ranger School fat- No one
You get all of this and much more for only $995. Order Now!
Or you can order the fully personalized U.S. Army Ranger School Diet Program.You and 8 to 12 of your fat friends will have 4 Ranger Instructors come to your house for 58 days to personally supervise your diet program. We'll even eat candy bars and anything else you have in the house in front of you just for spite (just like the real thing).
This exclusive service is now available to you for a mere $12,000 per person * (min 8 people)