Tips for Dealing With Romantic Relationships in the Workplace
How to Deal With Dating, Sex, and Romance at Work
What's love got to do with it? Quite a lot, actually. Current research sheds light on an answer to Tina Turner's famous question. If it's just about sex, a dalliance, an extramarital affair, or a relationship to move an individual up the career ladder, co-workers and companies tend to frown on love relationships in the office. If a couple is genuinely serious about dating and building a relationship, popular opinion is more favorable.
Co-worker opinions toward office romances are still generally accepting, but the #MeToo movement has sharpened attitudes toward relationships between employees and their supervisors. A 2018 study by Vault indicated that while only 4% of respondents objected to any workplace romance at all, 43% were opposed to relationships between co-workers at different levels. Twenty-seven percent of those surveyed added that, thanks to #MeToo, they are more likely to find a workplace romance unacceptable.
The study also found that adulterous affairs are a common workplace issue, with 48% of respondents saying they knew a co-worker engaged in a workplace fling while in a committed relationship.
Workplace Romance Policies
Considering the amount of time most people spend working, where else is a couple to meet? Traditional places like church, family events, and leisure time activities don’t present the same pool of candidates as they did in earlier times.
The workplace provides a preselected pool of people who share at least one important area of common ground. People who work together also tend to live within a reasonable dating distance, and they see each other on a daily basis. So should romance be discouraged?
In a 2017 Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) survey, 57% of individuals responding said they engaged in a romantic relationship at work. In other surveys, 31% of those who have dated a co-worker say they ended up marrying that person. Other studies have reported a higher level of productivity from dating couples at work.
And yet, according to the SHRM study, only 42% of companies have developed a formal, written, workplace romance policy. The low percentage of policies and regulations that are in place are likely due to the unwillingness of employers to police workers and their relationships in the office.
According to Dana Wilkie, an online SHRM editor, periodic surveys by SHRM showed that 99% of employers with romance policies in place indicate that love matches between supervisors and their direct reports are not allowed. That percentage rose significantly over a 12-year period from 2001 to 2013.
Many organizations forbid intimate relationships even outside supervisory relationships. Roughly a third of organizations forbid romances between employees who report to the same supervisor, and 12% won’t even allow employees in different departments to date.
The SHRM research also found that some companies forbid hookups between their employees and clients or customers, and 11% forbid romances between their employees and employees of their competitors.
HR and Management Concerns
Respondents to the SHRM surveys who discouraged or forbade dating in the workplace cited concerns with potential sexual harassment claims, retaliation, assertions that a relationship was not consensual, civil suits, and workplace disharmony if the relationship should end.
Depending on the discretion of the dating couple, gossip in the workplace can become rampant and disruptive. They also worry about losing valuable employees who might seek employment elsewhere if the relationship ends.
Tips for HR Professionals
Organizations walk a fine line between ensuring employee productivity and interfering in the private affairs of their employees. Gary N. Powell, in a book on gender and work published in 1999, states, "that policymakers in most organizations believe that workplace romances cannot be legislated away and should be ignored unless they present a threat to the individual, group, or organizational effectiveness.
"Decision-makers in most organizations recognize that some form of managerial intervention is required when a workplace romance presents a serious threat to the conduct of work or group morale."
As an HR professional, you also want employees to perceive your staff members as advocates for their well-being and morale, not as the rule-making, interfering, systematizing arms of management.
With both of these concerns in mind, consider the following actions.
Provide Training About Work Romances
Provide training for supervisors and managers about how to discreetly address overt sexual behavior in the workplace. You will also want the supervisors comfortable coaching the dating couple if the relationship results in lowered morale and productivity for themselves or co-workers.
Additionally, Powell's study of the literature found that workplace romances are particularly "hazardous for gay and lesbian employees due to negative reactions to homosexual relationships in general." Supervisors will also need to know how to confront a variety of issues related to workplace gossip, tensions arising when a romance derails, and potential sexual harassment.
Given these facts, comprehensive training should be implemented. A good first step would be to advise supervisors and managers as to how they might discreetly address overt sexual behavior in the workplace.
Broadcast Your Sexual Harassment Policy
Have a formal, written sexual harassment policy that is posted, appears in the employee handbook, and is listed on all company policy documents. The sexual harassment policy should address how a sexual harassment claim will be handled.
Train all employees that the company has zero tolerance for sexual harassment. Provide information about how such behavior might impact their continued employment.
At the same time, employees need to understand that it is OK to ask a co-worker out on a date. Harassment occurs when unwanted attention continues after an employee indicates no interest. Make these distinctions clear in your policies. All employees need to understand where the line occurs. Most organizations ask employees to sign a document indicating they understand and will abide by the sexual harassment policy.
Develop an Appropriate Policy About Office Romance
You may want to think about your organizational culture and the work environment you want to provide for employees. Are there certain romantic situations you want to prohibit or, at least, have a policy in place to address? A fraternization policy would be one example that you may want to consider.
Make sure that your employees are aware of all the rules and policies regarding workplace romances. A policy that prohibits dating, sex, and romance outright is not recommended. Any policy that is seen as overreaching or intrusive may encourage stealth dating.
Policies are developed to guide employees in creating a legal, ethical, harmonious workplace, not to control the bad behavior of a few. You might consider a policy that prohibits supervisors from dating any employee who reports directly to them. The policy may also state that you expect staff members to behave in a professional manner while dating.
Let your employees know that you expect that office romances, relationships, or affairs will be kept separate from the work environment. Be clear that the organization will not tolerate sexual liaisons and sexual behavior at work. Spell out the consequences that will result if the romance is negatively impacting the workplace.
If You’re Involved in a Workplace Relationship
If Cupid strikes and you find yourself attracted to a co-worker, these actions will minimize any possible damage to your (and their) career.
- Know your organization's written and unwritten policies about romantic, sexual, extramarital, or dating relationships.
- Keep the relationship private and discreet until you are ready to publicly announce that you are a couple.
- Behave discreetly in the workplace. Keep public displays of affection off limits at work.
- Know whether you’re required to report a dating relationship to HR. Don't blindside your HR staff. They can help you with gossip control and with understanding what is expected and appropriate in your workplace. Give them the opportunity to help.
- Limit the number of people at work with whom you share this confidential information.
- If your position and responsibilities require you to work together, attend the same meetings, and so on, behave professionally at all times. You are encouraged to be yourself, maintain and speak your continuing opinions, exhibit the same skills, and conduct yourself in the same manner as you did prior to the relationship.
- Discuss, as a couple, the potential impact of your relationship on your work. (Will one employee have to leave a department or the company? Will your organization respond favorably to your relationship?) Know your company, and make a plan before the organization requests one.
Love, sex, and romance in the workplace will likely increase as time goes by. Expect these relationships and prepare in advance to handle them and their potential impact on your workplace.
Disclaimer: Please note that the information provided, while authoritative, is not guaranteed for accuracy and legality. The site is read by a world-wide audience and employment laws and regulations vary from state to state and country to country. Please seek legal assistance, or assistance from State, Federal, or International governmental resources, to make certain your legal interpretation and decisions are correct for your location. This information is for guidance, ideas, and assistance.
Vault. "The 2018 Vault Office Romance Survey Results," Accessed Dec. 3, 2019.
Society for Human Resource Management. "Ask an Expert: Should Employers Establish a Policy on Romantic Relationships in the Office?" Accessed Nov. 29, 2019.
CareerBuilder. "Thirty-Eight Percent of Workers Have Dated a Co-Worker, Finds CareerBuilder Survey," Accessed Nov. 29, 2019.
Society for Human Resource Management. "Forbidden Love: Workplace-Romance Policies Now Stricter," Accessed Nov. 29, 2019.
Powell, Gary N. "The Handbook of Gender and Work," Available at: http://books.google.com?id=pal1AwAAQBAJ. Accessed November 29, 2019.